Children

Millions of children see, hear and sense domestic violence. Even if they are not physically present, they are aware of the violence. How children react to and cope with witnessing violence may depend on their developmental level, coping skills, age, access to resources, and the existence of support persons in their lives. Researchers have found that many children may show resilience to the violence by learning to cope with it in a number of constructive ways.

Factors that assist a child in developing resilience:

• Healthy relationships with others
  
• Well-developed problem-solving skills
  
• A strong sense of self-worth
  
• Stable belief system
  
• Sense of purpose and future

Healthy ways that children may use to cope with domestic violence:

• Talking with a safe adult
  
• Excelling in school
  
• Reaching out within the community
  
• Getting involved in after school/extra curricular activities

Unhealthy ways that children may use to cope with domestic violence:

• Withdrawal
  
• Acting-out and/or aggressive behavior
  
• Depression
  
• Anxiety
  
• Nightmares
  
• Physical complaints
  

Children experience many feelings and have many reactions to the violence they witness. Some of these feelings may be: fear, confusion, guilt, anger, powerlessness, responsibility for abuse, denial, worry and sadness. Just as every adult survivor of domestic violence is different, every child witness is going to have a unique reaction to living with an abuser.

Child witnesses are at risk of being injured themselves, either during the violence or as a targeted victim. Studies show a large percentage of child witnesses are also physically and/or sexually abused themselves, making domestic violence the number one predictor for child abuse. Children may feel protective toward their mother and try to intervene during an assault. They may also feel responsible for younger siblings and try to protect and take care of them.

Domestic violence is hurtful to everyone living in the home. By abusing the children's mother, he is not being "good to the kids." He is subjecting them to an environment full of violent actions and hateful words. Showering children with attention, affection or gifts does not make up for denying them a safe and happy childhood. He is not being a good daddy.

The State of Oregon recognizes the impact domestic violence has on children by making it possible to charge certain crimes that occur in the presence of a child as a felony. Crime Victim's Compensation has also acknowledged the impact of domestic violence on children by providing monetary support for counseling and other services child witnesses might need. (See Crime Victim's Compensation for more information.)

How to be Supportive to Youth

Let them know the abuse is not their fault, or their mom's fault. Give them permission to talk about the violence. Help them make a verbal safety plan (Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service has resources to help with this). Let them know they are not alone. Support programs in your community that help youth.

Talking with Your Child about the Violence

Be honest with your children about what is happening. Children are aware of the violence more than you might think. Studies show that most children are aware of the violence directed at their mother. Respecting their knowledge will increase their trust in you.

Assure your children that the violence is not their fault. Children often believe they are the cause of the violence. They may also believe that they are responsible for the separation of their mother and her partner. Allow your children to share their feelings about your abusive partner. Listen to and encourage your children's expression of worries, questions, and fears. They may wonder why the abuser would hurt someone that he says he loves.

Do not judge the abuser as a bad person, but rather as a person who makes wrong choices to use abusive language and violence for power and control. Talk with your children about other choices that might have been available to your abuser.

Remind yourself and your child, It is not our fault.